Throughout the history of me, I have at times been known for having almost zero ability to hold it.
By "hold it", I mean, bladder control. When I was younger I would constantly make Grandpa stop for bathroom breaks during car trips. He probably appreciated me taking the heat for the bi-hourly stops so he could take advantage of my problem, but it certainly made drives longer than they needed to be. There were times I was in such distress that I had to waddle to the gas station bathroom like my ankles were tied together.
For my 21st birthday, someone gifted me a box of Depends, so yeah, back then everyone knew about my problem. On a side note, for that year's New Years party, we convinced Darren to dress up like Baby New Year using the Depends. I KNOW there is a picture of that somewhere... gotta find that one...
To top it off, I also had a shy bladder. Any distractions and I'd seize up. Damn that really hurts. As I got older I figured out how to ration my liquids and can do better on trips now... most of the time.
But back in the day, it was a bad combination.
The date was Saturday Jun 10, 1989. How do I remember that so clearly (besides looking it up on imdb.com)? Darren and I had a several year policy of seeing every new Star Trek movie on opening Friday, usually the noon show. Star Trek V sucked, thus making it stick in my mind. Well... it wasn't very good. ANY Star Trek is better than no Star Trek. But yeah... ugh.
Anyway this premier for some reason we couldn't go Friday. Who knows why anymore, it was probably stupid adult stuff. So we planned for the first showing Saturday morning. Problem was, I was in the middle of my Two Years Of Stupid (tm), where I was living with a girl (who shall remain nameless) and her 8 year old son in a one bedroom apartment. About three months in I already knew I wasn't going to stay with her long term, but as I said above, I was stupid. And trapped. What can I say, she used me to escape her parent's house and I fell for it.
Anyway again, she had to work Saturday, so I was on child duty. Off to the movie the three of us went, getting there early so we have the pick of seats. (When D and I movie, we count the seats in the row and sit dead center. Yup... 1,2,3,4,etc... all the way to the other side, while the other one stands close to the middle to make a quick decision on exact middle. Still do to this day.)
We pile in with our snacks and drinks (cue ominous music...). The boy (who will ALSO remain nameless) decides he wants to sit in the front row. I tell him he can if he wants, and with the seating slope I can still keep an eye on him so there is no problem, plus now D and I can talk (plotting my escape from entrapment about a month later, probably) before the movie starts. After a while the boy gets bored up in the front row by himself and comes back to talk, leaving his popcorn and snacks where he had planted himself. After a few minutes I see someone, maybe mid-teens, silhouetted by the screen walk to the Boy's spot and look down at the left over goodies. "Hey, you'd better get back there!" I tell him. He scampers away. I see him scoot over, say something to the shadow, and then sit down next to him. They start talking. Figuring he is some Star Trek nerd like us, the situation is fine and we settle back. (Don't worry... I'm consciously keeping an eye on him! He was my responsibility...!)
The movie starts... I'm drinking my large soda. As I said above... dumb. By the time the movie gets to the climax, I'm really suffering. I mean eyes-crossed, back of my throat gurgling, walk to the bathroom like my ankles are tied together suffering. But I CAN"T LEAVE NOW BEFORE THE MOVIE IS OVER!!!
The stinker ends none too soon, not only for my poor bladder but also for the fact that my love of Star Trek was being shaken by that piece of crap. We stand up, or should I say, Darren stands, and I stagger, in utter agony. He had to help pull me up. Shuffling to the end of the row we wait for the Boy to make it through the crowd. After what seemed like 37 hours of waiting, the back of the line gets to us at the middle of the theater. Accompanying him is the young man, who was either autistic or with a mild case of Down Syndrome. The Boy says "Rob! Meet my new friend Steve*" (*Actual name lost to the years, and it doesn't matter what his name was for the purposes of the story...).
Darren and I introduce ourselves and Steve says "ITS REALLY NICE TO MEET YOU! <the Boy> WAS TELLING ME YOU DO THEATER!! I LOVE SINGING. DO YOU LIKE TO SING? STAR TREK IS MY FAVORITE MOVIE!!! DID YOU LIKE IT? *I* LOVED IT! (The line starts exiting the theater) DO YOU LIVE NEARBY? MY DAD IS GOING TO COME PICK ME UP! (I'm pretty much crawling at this point) WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MUSICAL? I'VE NEVER SEEN A MUSICAL BEFORE BUT I BET IT'S FUN!!! (Oh god please kill me now...) I GO TO SCHOOL. MY FAVORITE CLASS IS MATH! WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE CLASS? (The Lobby! Salvation! Oh... not so fast...)
"Well", I say, barely able to speak from the intense stabbing of my bladder trying to explode out my belly button, "Thanks for keeping <Boy> company. I'm going to stop in the bathroom. Nice to meet you."
HEY, I'VE GOT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM ALSO! GOOD IDEA! I'LL GO WITH YOU. I whimper. Glancing at Darren I note he is almost crying trying to hold back the laughter while watching me suffering and letting me wallow in my misery, like any best friend would do. So Steve and I head to the men's room.
Of course there is a line...
MY DAD SHOULD BE WAITING! I CAN'T WAIT TO TELL HIM ABOUT THE MOVIE! I'm surrounded by other dudes waiting while this really nice young man through no fault of his own is speaking very loudly. I can't hold on to him for support, all I can do is focus on clamping every orifice in my body to try to prevent the pee going down my leg. The line inches forward...
... into the bathroom, where Steve's loud voice now ECHOS through the room. EVERYONE is staring at me as poor, oblivious, loud Steve keeps up his train of conversation. "I HAVE ONE BROTHER AND ONE SISTER! (sister...sister...sister)".
We are waiting our turn for a urinal to open. Why didn't I go to a stall? I don't know... I wasn't thinking clearly with a flooded brain. The only thought I had was "PLEASE let one open down the row... pleaseohpleaseohplease". After a few moments (or hours, or eons.. I don't know anymore), a urinal opens. I step forward, sweet relief just moments away... until the one to my right opens up.
In slides Steve. He unzips and turns his head to face me, just 24" inches away. "YOUR SON IS A REALLY NICE KID! I'M GLAD WE ALL MET!!! (met...met...met!)". Now I KNOW every eye in the bathroom is focused on me and wondering what the hell is going on.
And with that, everything completely locks up. Steve is on my right yelling in my ear, my body is revolting and my shy bladder doodle is clamped down. There is NO WAY I'm going to pee until Steve isn't standing there. But behind me is a line of dudes waiting just as eagerly for the urinal as I was. I do the only thing manly thing I can...
I pretend to shake it off, flush, and turn to the sink. Yes, I washed my hands. The sound of running water almost knocked me unconscious. Of course Steve uses the sink RIGHT NEXT TO MINE, continuing to TALK. He walks out, I waddle. Darren is waiting and all three of us say our goodbyes. As Steve turns away, I collapse onto Darren's arm and whisper "Get me back to the bathroom!"
Fortunately it has cleared out. I stand there for about three minutes because it take a while for everything to start working... and there was about 32 ounces of pepsi trying to escape.
Darren laughed at me for a LONG time about this trip to the movies. Maybe those Depends weren't such a bad idea after all.
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| A random pic from NYE 1996 that has nothing to do with the post. Note the blowup doll in the background... |
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