The Space Oddity Part 4: The Final Frontier (about that Fecal Containment Unit...)

Now you'd have all thought that our wives couldn't have been more incredibly creative with the birthday gift to the Cosmosphere.  Oh, how wrong you would be, if you'd thunk that.  

A few years after our Adult Astronaut Experience, our wives informed us they had a special dinner planned; dress nice and they'd tell us where we would be going.  Dutifully obeying, as is our usual wont, we sat meekly in the backseat (like I said above, as usual) as the car took us where the car was gonna took us.  After a 40 minute or so drive up into the Northshore, we pull into the parking lot of Lovell's, the restaurant owned by the son of Apollo astronaut and two-time moon-orbiter Jim Lovell!  (He was on Apollo 8 that circled the moon as well as the ill-fated Apollo 13, just to jog your memory)

Once again speechless ('cause you know we only talk when necessary...) we walked into a former mansion that was now chock-full of space memorabilia.  After exploring for a short while (ok, it was NOT a short while, because Darren and I have to read EVERY LITTLE THING WE SEE.  Which is why we only go to museums with each other and not our families), we sat down to what promised to be an incredible gourmet dining experience.

Of course, a few libations were imbibed.  Delectable food was enjoyed.  But the surprises were not done.  At some point through the night, an elderly gentleman with a young assistant came through the room we were in.  IT WAS NONE OTHER THAN JIM LOVELL HIMSELF!!!  AHHH!!!  Donna and Laura had called the restaurant and explained that their geeky husbands were major space geeks, and asked if there was any chance Jim might be around so they could meet him.  After getting in contact with said assistant, she informed that Mr. Lovell was in town on X day at a conference and MAY be able to stop by for a minute, and she would let Mr. Lovell know but no guarantees.  

Somehow, this incredible superstar found the time to come let two space geeks slobber over him for five minutes.

Anyway, Darren and I see him at about the same instant, and both jump to our feet.  

Now, in my life I've had Mike Singletary give me a personal thumbs-up, peed next to Johnny Morris, shook hands with Da Coach in his prime, bowled next to Jim McMahon and Kurt Becker from the '85 Bears.  I danced with Karen Valentine at a disco and had Larry Storch call me "Little Buddy" for the night because he couldn't remember my name.  Gary Sandy and I compared notes about performing Harold Hill in Music Man for 20 minutes as I related the time he sweat all over me in the 2nd row at Drury Lane Oakbrook.  I've escorted and cared for several medium-sized names at the Prairie Arts Center, and I even once tied Frankie Valli's brother's shoes because he was too nervous to do so right before he went on stage.  So I'm used to having celebrity encounters.  But this was greater than all of them.  This was our big moment.  This was our "Michael Jordan"... our "Walter Payton".  We couldn't blow it.  We had to be cool...  

JIM:  "Hello there, I'm Jim Lovell"

ME: "We know who you are!  Wow Mr. Lovell it is an honor to meet you!"

DARREN:  "We saw your Fecal Containment Unit from Apollo 13 at the Cosmosphere!"

<insert face palm> 

Yeah... we totally buckled under the pressure.  

There is NO WAY we could spoil this moment, right?

 

And in just a minute, it was over.  Mr. Lovell smoothly transitioned from us talking about his bodily functions to how incredible the Cosmosphere is... a bit more fawning small-talk nowhere NEAR as embarrassing, and off he ran.  Absolutely the greatest celebrity encounter two card-carrying space geeks could ever wish for, set up because we have the greatest wives who continue to put up with us, even when talking about Astronaut Fecal Containment Units.   

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....  "We saw your Fecal Containment unit... at the Cosmosphere"...  Cool as the ice on the underside of Uranus... (Damn it!  We can't stop talking about it!)  

1985 - The summer of my discontent (you believe me, don't you?)

As this is posted, I will have just picked up Darren to drive up to a high-school friend's house with the stated goal of watching a truly horrible (and thus hilarious) movie.  (In his backyard, so social distancing will apply!) 

This reminds me of how Darren corrupted me during the summer of 1985.

To set the stage, both of us lasted one year or less at college.  My dad lost his job so I had to drop out; don't remember why Darren dropped out (too many stories about duct-taped hamsters, perhaps?).  So with our friends at school we had LOTS of time to hang, just the two of us.  In 1985, that meant, in part, movies (at least, when we weren't doing long distance dedications at the ice rink, or getting crushed in Telecheck football, or spending way too much money on motorized squirt guns or hanging at his apartment or leaving class early to watch the Bears on MNF... honestly, this 3 year period was the golden years of our relationship).  Besides Back to the Future (which I saw 5 times) that year premiered what we unequivocally consider the absolute most spectacular cinematic endeavor ever to grace the silver screen; The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.  By my count we saw it EIGHT times that summer, but maybe my memory is a bit fuzzy.  Regardless... "No matter where you go... there you are" became our go-to catchphrase for a LONG time.  Trust me... go watch it.  You'll thank me forever...

But I digress... 

That was also the summer that Darren dragged me to see such classics as "Gwendoline in the Land of the Yik-Yak" (Tawny Kitaen at the apex of her short fame) and "Delta Pi" (a sorority gets entered in a mud-wrestling contest).  I'm trying to recall the exact discussions that took place before each movie.  I think they went something like this:

"Lets go see Delta Pi!"

"No"

"Come oooonnnnn"

<Sigh...>  "Fine."

Now, granted, Tawny had just been in Bachelor Party with Tom Hanks, so there was some draw, and also granted, she was pretty hot.  So I must have given in hoping to see something that matched up comedic-ally with Tom.  Nope.  Just lots of topless women running around with spears and being tied up.  HORRIFYING!  And, also granted, Laura Branigan was cute and had a couple hit songs in that time frame, so maybe I was hoping she could carry a movie about women rolling around in mud, so I decided to go along with him.  DISGUSTING!

For YEARS I railed on him about his cinematic choices.  It was nice having something to hold over him and make him shut-up.  I believe we went several years without him being allowed to choose a movie. 

1986 Darren and Rob debating fine cigars and fine movies.  Note how I try to cover my pain with laughter.

Isn't it great how sometimes memories fade after many years?  I think it dulls the pain and horror inflicted on one's psyche by movies that suck.  I really don't think, though, that memories ever get reversed, or names ever get swapped.  Yeah... that never happens.  CERTAINLY not in this instance.  Nope... DARREN made bad choices and made ROB go along with them.  THAT is what happened.  

Trust me.    

 

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The Space Oddity Part 3 (Of shuttle landings and fecal containment units)

I've already mentioned that our wives (Donna for me and Laura for Darren) are pretty damn cool.  Well, here is one of the times they amazed us with their brilliance.  

As was semi-custom back in the day with Harmony Productions (our theater company where I hired Donna... and then she fell in love with the boss...), we'd usually have some sort of birthday celebration for me near the end of October after one of our shows.  In 2003, with Darren's Bday just seven weeks earlier (he's an old man, don't ya know!), we had a joint birthday dinner with a few friends post show.  Donna and Laura sprung their surprise; a trip to Hutchinson Kansas to the Cosmosphere.  Donna had seen an article in the Daily Herald and discovered they had an Adult Astronaut Camp!  Oh... we were SO in on this.  See, aren't they the best?

The following March, Darren and I pile in the car for the twelve hour drive.  We left at 10pm so we could be there when they opened on Friday morning, intending to be first in the museum so we could explore ALL DAY LONG.  Taking turns sleeping and with only one slight navigation error, we arrive to what can only be described as a space fan's wet dream.  This place is the 2nd largest space museum in the world, behind only the Smithsonian.  When little Ronnie Howard directed Apollo 13,  he didn't call NASA, he called the Cosmosphere to help him make the movie right.  They have actual flight-worn capsules from every program as well as Soyuz from Russia, suits, planes... you name it related to space, they have it represented.  

Saturday we get to our Astronaut class.  About a dozen folk just as space rabid as we are, and a bunch of experts teaching us all about the inner workings of the space program.  

Some highlights - failing the "drop the egg/astronaut" challenge 

Oh that poor astronaut... Humpty couldn't...well, you know.

 

Me almost puking on the "multi-trainer", which spins the victim around... I TOLD them it would happen!... Looking like real astronauts... 

Actual moon picture... we held our breath...

Squeezing into a real Soyuz capsule and wondering how the hell they live in it for a couple days... All the incredible artifacts from all the launches, including Jim Lovell's Fecal Containment Unit (a bag hanging from a 3" wide donut of sticky paper that they would peel and stick on their bum) (By the way... remember this moment...)

The absolute top highlight of the trip was training for a "shuttle mission".  Darren, me and two other astro-wanabees teamed up in a crew.  Probably because I'm just ready to try anything like that and you know my ego is non-paralleled, I "volunteer" to be commander so I can land it.  Every test.... crash and burn.  Steve Austin had nothin' on me.  I spent about another hour trying after hours in another sim.  Boom.  Boom.  Uh oh...

I'm going to kill them all, aren't I...

The hour long shuttle sim arrives Sunday.  I'm actually a bit freaked out but off we go.  The whole thing is REALLY cool with a fake launch that rattled around, teachers in "mission control", capturing a satellite.... really... this place is AWESOME.  

Cool as a cucumber... on the outside...

The big moment finally arrives... somehow I absolutely nail the landing, right down the middle of the runway.  The only thing I can figure is that they must have put the difficulty on ROOKIE level.  Anyway, we climb out of the sim to cheers from our classmates... I have to admit it was an absolute blast.

One of the best weekends we've ever had...

If you are a space nut like D and me, or even just a passing interest, you HAVE to go to the Cosmosphere!  That night we hit the road for the return over-night trip, and arrive back in Schaumburg about 7am, tired but thrilled.  And most importantly, with a whole boat load of memories that help make our 50 years so incredible.

Oh... about that Fecal Containment Unit... 

 

 

The Space Oddity (Part 2) (when I say "lift off", what exactly are we referencing?)

In 1997 we took a 2nd trip down to NASA, this time to catch a launch.  This is always a risky endeavor due to the frequent mission scrubs, but combined with a 4 day cruise, it was too good of a chance to miss out on.  

Between the prior trip and this one, NASA had built an Apollo museum with a full sized Saturn V rocket as the main attraction.  

Rob at the far end for scale - apparently we never gave the camera to someone else to take our picture together.

Part of the tour included a drive by of the launch pad, which of course was amazing.  We also learned that armadillos are Florida's bunny.  They are all over the place.  We also noticed, while on the tour bus, that sadly, they aren't as fast as bunnies....  

 

Just as our last trip, this event took place at night.  We bought our tickets during the day and at about 1am headed over to the Cape.  They crammed us on buses and dropped us off someplace along the causeway about 6 miles from the pad.  It was damp and dewy.  We didn't plan ahead and had no chairs to sit in, nothing to drink.  We were obviously newbs compared to a lot of the others in this jam-packed area.  We kept waiting for them to throw packets of Tang or freeze dried meals at us, but unlike the Rocky Horror Picture Show, they took pity on us poor launch virgins.  

As time crawled and the countdown clock taunted us, I believe we started to question our decision.  We could be snug in our hotel beds, dry, warm... the glow of Bevis and/or Butthead flickering across our fast asleep faces.  But we persevered.  

And boy, was it all worth it.  

Excitement built as we got down to the 20 minute hold... then the 9 minute hold.  Finally, the countdown clock started for the final time.  The crowd rose and chanted 10...9...8...  At 6 the main engines ignited and the goosebumps on my arms blew a chill down my body.  At the moment of ZERO, two beautiful boosters erupted in the night, blinding us even from six miles away.  That marvel of human engineering leaped into the sky as the spectators went crazy.  Exactly 30 seconds later (yes, we both counted), a roar unlike anything we had ever heard swept over us, blowing our minds and making our hair stand on end (even me, that's how powerful it was...).  Of course everyone waited for that moment when the boosters dropped away, knowing the shuttle was past what we all considered the danger point.  And because it was night, we could see the whole thing for a very long time.  The whole ten minute experience was absolutely incredible, and there is no doubt it was totally worth it; something we'd remember for the rest of our lives.

Forcing our cold and stiff legs to move, we climbed back onto the buses with a few thousand of our new closest friends.  The bus windows were completely covered with condensation, and we drew little pictures of the launch on the glass.  

But it was time to get back to the hotel, sleep, and wake up so that we could head for our next adventure: four days on a Caribbean cruise!  

Darren being the nice guy he is and assisting a fair damsel with her stretching...

Yeah... that trip was ok...

The Space Oddity Part 1 (Warning: Geek Level EXTREME)

Darren usually calls me on the way home from work to kill the 15 or so minutes of his drive.  Especially lately, he knows I've got absolutely NOTHING going on other than napping on the back patio (which is actually a really nice way to spend an afternoon).  During the conversation I mentioned the interesting news that ex Schaumburg Mayor Al Larsen's daughter is now a high-level manager for the NASA Artemis program, which of course peaked our interest, as a couple of complete space-nerds (tm).  As many of you have experienced over the years, we started our patented Darren/Rob Riff On A Subject (tm), because as long as we amuse ourselves, we don't care if anyone else follows what we are saying.  In fact, the more we confuse people, the more we are amused, which of course just makes everyone (mostly our wives) shake their heads in pity, with a hint of self-doubt about their choice of mates.

Anyway, Darren starts off with the idea that if an ex-Schaumburg resident is now in charge of the personned moon-launch, couldn't she do a couple of local neighbors a solid and let us be the first to launch?  Sounded very logical to me.  Then he adds "I wouldn't even care if the thing blew up on the pad, it would just be so cool to be a part of it".  I replied with "now THAT would be a great way to end the Blog!".  So I'm going to write the final post in advance, in the off-chance this comes to pass... 

We've had NUMEROUS space-related moments in our 50 years together.  One of our favorite things to do was head out on the boat at Turtle Lake in mid-august and watch the Pleiades meteors streak over our heads.  It was during one of these excursions we discovered how interesting it is when the light beams from flashlights bounce off the water, especially in a very low fog.  (Warning:  Geek Level MODERATE and climbing)  THAT was a great Riff for a long time...

About 10 or 12 years ago we drove out to Rt. 47 in the middle of the night to get to a dark enough location to see a comet on the horizon.  We got nervous hanging by a farmer's field thinking he was gonna come shutgun us for trespassing.

(Warning:  Geek Level HIGH) Three times us two kindergarten buddies have taken trips for space related reasons.  The first time was in January of 1996 when we flew to Florida to catch a Shuttle landing (and side trip to Key West.  Oh yeah, I mentioned that already... gotta tell you all about that some time...).  We crashed in a cheap Days Inn just down the road from the landing site.  On the night of the landing we took a nap and headed over about 1am to where the maps showed we'd be near the runway.  There were a LOT of other crazy people on the side of the road with us; kind of fun since we were all Space Geeks Extraordinaire (tm).  At the appointed time we strained our eyes and ears to find some hint of what was about to occur.  The expected twin sonic booms popped and we knew it was close (ok... it was more like a couple of tiny hand claps, but us Space Geeks Extraordinaire (tm) knew what they were!)  In the distance flood lights lit up the horizon.  A flicker of something flashed past the lights and I yelled out "There it was!!!  Did anyone else see it?".  

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And we all got back in our cars and left.  (Geek Level SAD)  

But it was still cool as hell to be there!

This was also the trip where Darren force-fed me numerous episodes of Bevis & Butthead.  Every once in a while I wake up screaming in the middle of the night.  I can't bring myself to tell Donna what I experienced. 

I'll be back in a day or two to tell you about the similarly night-timed Shuttle launch we experienced, as well as the time our incredible wives gave us the best Geek present ever.  Wait... they did that twice... 

Darren remembers The Younger Years better than me... (Tim Blanks, where are you?)

How could I have forgotten to mention the funniest event that happened to us back then?!?!  And so timely in our current election year situation....

In 6th grade with Mr Blanks (Tim Blanks... he was an AWESOME teacher.  They first teacher to teach us how to think, not just regurgitate.  If anyone knows where he is, please tell us; we'd love to reach out to him.) we had a class vote on the 1976 Presidential Election - Ford vs. Carter.  The ONLY person to vote for Carter was Darren; it was like 22 to 1.  Now that he reminded me, I can visualize the memory of the class all sitting around in a circle and Mr. Blanks announcing the results.  Yeah... we gave him a TON of shit for that.  Especially when two years later President Carter blew me off in Burlington Ia after standing in 90 degree heat for three hours to see him, so it was personal at that point...  ROSALIND WAS NOT A SATISFACTORY SUBSTITUTE!!!  (That being said, Jimmy has always been a spectacular humanitarian and he has all my respect for how he has made the world a better place, so I admit it is hard to stay mad at the guy... ah, for the good ol' days...)  

Apparently we used to make a lot of dioramas back in those days.  Darren for some reason remembers mine, although I don't; "Rob's were always on fleek (See what I did there?)  Seriously.  Like WWII battles in little French towns with tanks & walls & bushes & injured guys on fleek."  4th grade into High School I was a serious WWII battle buff and I built a lot of Testors models back in the day, so I'm not surprised that I was overboard with detail, but I seriously don't remember any of the dioramas.

And one other thing about Indian Guide campouts;  Darren remembers that after our Dads boozed it up late into the night, they would make us kids pick up all the beer can pop-tops the next morning.  Yeah, nothin' like father-son good times...

Deadly little things...

You see, boys and girls, back before the can manufacturers got smart, these little things were pulled off the top of the cans (beer and soda) to open them.  Easy way to gash open your feet, BTW.  Also, I can still picture in my mind an episode of Emergency! in the 70's where a big slobby guy was pounding beers behind our EMT heroes, dropping the pop-top into the can and then drinking it.  As they finished their save, the dude took a big swig and started choking; the pop top went down and got lodged in his throat so they had to save him too.  Apparently it scarred me for life...

The Younger Years (Whats with the buck teeth?)

I don't have a lot of vivid memories from my childhood.  Perhaps because it wasn't the greatest at times, I might be blocking a lot of it out.  One vague picture in my mind is my bus stopping at the gas station on Roselle Road just south of Schaumburg where Darren would hop on, the bus blocking traffic on the single lane road.  You know, right across from the Ace Hardware on the SW corner.  Doesn't sound familiar?  Yeah... lots of changes in ol' Schaumburg since the 1970s.  Anyway, we spent six years at Schaumburg grade school which is now the district 54 building across from the swan pond.  

Things don't start coalescing in my mind until 6th grade, Mr. Blanks' room.  D and I spent a lot of time together that year.  Before that memories are still hazy.  I know that Darren came to my 2nd birthday party (the infamous cake incident where I cried after my parents put the relighting candles on it and everyone laughed at me... probably explains a lot), and we were in YMCA Indian Guides together.  We both admit that the one thing we remember most is the camping trips where the kids would watch the dads pound beers around the picnic table at our camp site.  THAT I can picture clearly.  I'm sure these events were more for the fathers than for us.  The trip to Blackhawk State Park was also the time Tony Adkins and I got separated from the group on a hike and merrily decided to walk back to the campsite, picking up a couple of pieces of firewood on the way.  It wasn't only the marshmallows that got roasted that night.  

The earliest picture of Darren and I is of the two of us sitting on a camp bench, arms around each other, goofy smiles ear-to-ear.  Problem is, I can't find it.  EXTENSIVE searching of my hard drives, but no luck.  I made a blow up of it to roast Darren during his wedding toast 18 years ago (Best... Best Man Speech... ever...  you'll see...), but Laura was unable to find that poster.  So maybe if he can locate it we can put up the pic later; we were cute little buggers...

Unfortunately not a lot to add for 7th and 8th grade at Frost Jr. High.  I have exactly two memories of us, one each year, exactly the same (Apparently Darren has others and my memory may be faulty... we'll see what he has to say).  After not seeing each other all year, we bump into one another in the hall on like the last day of the year, both years.  We exclaim each other's names and quickly swap yearbooks to sign and then run off to class.  "Darren!"  "Rob!"  "Sign my yearbook!!"  "Nice to see you!"  "Bye!"  Gone. 

June of '78, 7th grade. Awww... so cute...

 

And just to be fair... 

 

Why did I sign my own name?  What a dork.

One year, I don't know which one, we met in the hallway directly in front of the cafeteria.  I can picture it absolutely clearly.  THAT is the absolute first vivid memory I have of us. 

After that... hoo boy... do I have images in my brain... hee hee...

In the Beginning (which is ironic, since we don't believe in that, unless you are speaking of the Big Bang)

So... it all began almost exactly 50 years ago.  Blackhawk School (what is now the Schaumburg Township Building).  Schaumburg Il.  I don't remember much of anything from that time.  Just a couple quick fleeting pictures from the recesses of the back corner of my mind; sitting on a rug in a circular Kindergarten room....  one of the bus arriving.  Sometime during that stretch of early September (Schools didn't start until after Labor Day back then... now the summer ends too quickly, get off my lawn you young whippersnappers...) Darren Franzen and Rob Kaye met.  Since then... school, work, theater, families, friends, gaming, fecal containment units, Dr. Who, Turtle Lake... all of those things and SO much more brought us together and forged a life-long friendship+...  and now here we are.

My mom (Linda, who you'll read a lot about in this blog, 'cause she was crazy) at some point started calling us Little Kindergarten Buddies.  Thus, the name (I thought kindergartenbuddies.blogspot.com was too long though.  kbuddies was taken by some empty blog from Thailand, I think (WTF!).  So I came up with a non-english-correct version).  Who would have thought that 50 years later those two little dopey kids would have experienced so many adventures, laughs, tears, highs and lows, and still been together as (more than) best friends.

Lets get something straight right now (heh...).  Contrary to occasional (and often in the past, popular) opinion, we are not gay.  We are not lovers.  Yes, we joke about it.  Yes, I saw his doodle when I was helping him one night in the hospital.  Yes, I have been known to dress in drag on stage and we can read each other's minds better than most married couples, straight or gay.  Yes, we have slept in the same bed numerous times and he has stolen the covers from me (confirmed as a problem by his most wonderful wife Laura...).  And yes, our wives really do wonder some times.  Of course, one of the myriad of things we see exactly eye to eye on is that we support and encourage the choices everyone makes trying to find happiness, while not hurting someone else.  But no... everyone who ever thought that was wrong.  Thirty years ago when it was interfering with all our female conquests (oh yeah, a LOT more on that to come) we would get upset.  AND we never understood where it was coming from.  Was it wrong for two men in their early 20's to hang out constantly, finish each other's sentences and have one do all the clothes shopping for the other?  We don't think so.  

And that brings us to today.  We have been making grand plans for a huge 50the anniversary celebration trip. He wants to go to Scotland and hike the trails (I know better... it is to drink scotch).  I had suggested a trip to "the darkest place in America" so we could see more stars than ever before (even more better than the far side of Turtle Lake during Pleiades).  Regardless, it was gonna be awesome.  Believe me we've had some good trips over the years; NASA for a night-time shuttle launch (later...), EPCOT (Quasimodo and the backpack), A Caribbean cruise (four girls from Boston and a suite), Key West (oh yeah, THAT is when we realized people thought we were gay).  No... WAY better than all those trips.  

Then... Covid.  F*** Covid.  And also all the people who have not followed the science who we can blame for letting this drag out so our plans got screwed over.   

Now I have all this pent-up "Fifty year anniversary of our friendship" energy.  SO MANY MOMENTS!  What to do?  Well, stay tuned for the musical I'll be trying to get Payton to write with me, if he'll lower himself to collaborate with his ol' Pally.  But in the meantime, I need to get these memories down before I'm done.  I want Payton and Liam and everyone else down the line to know about us and laugh at our antics.  I want all our friends and family and anyone else who drops down a rabbit-hole to this blog to laugh at us (and maybe understand us a bit better).  Mostly, I just want to enjoy thinking of all these years, all those memories.  And to make sure that gray and slightly red-headed kid still with the goofy smile knows how important he is to me.  Maybe if he is nice I'll let him add a story or two, or re-tell one from his viewpoint.  

Anyway... more to come.  Lots more.  Hope you'll come back... 

See...?  Totally straight.